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  Then, as these things sometimes happen; the birth mother held her and fell completely in love with her too. She’d felt terrible for us; she didn’t want to back out. She wanted to give us that happiness that she felt when she held her baby, but then she also didn’t want to give it up for herself. I couldn’t blame her for that. It hurt though, my gosh, it hurt so bad.

  When our adoption specialist came to tell us that the mother changed her mind, it physically hurt to walk out of the hospital empty handed. It hurt to come home to a full nursery and no baby to occupy it. It hurt to tell our friends and family that the little girl we’d been so excited about was no longer ours. She never really was. Still, I vowed right then to never go through that again. I called our adoption specialist that next day and told her that we were done trying. She was disappointed, but she understood. I just couldn’t do it again.

  Looking at my husband, curled up on the couch with that little girl, though. I wanted to do it again. I’d do it all over again a million times if it gave us the chance to have that. To share the love that we had with someone else; someone who needed the love we had to share. I wanted a lifetime of cuddling on the couch, watching princess movies and making cookies.

  “Hey,” I whispered as I sat down on the edge of the couch. “Cookies and ice cream are ready,” I whispered, waking them. I knew Lennon’s daddies would kill me if I let Lennon sleep right now and stay up all night. It was bad enough I was plying her with sugar an hour before they were due to pick her up.

  “Cookie?” The little girl in questions eyes popped open, and I couldn’t help but smile at her. She spotted the plate of cookies on the table and almost jumped off of Kingsley and onto the floor.

  “Sorry to wake you.” I smile at my husband earning a wink.

  “I didn’t mean to fall asleep, but these cartoons are boring as H-E-L-L.” He spelled for the sake of the little sponge, currently stuffing her face with cookies.

  “I know.” I laughed and leaned forward to press my lips against his. Sometimes, I wondered how I got so lucky; I wondered who was smiling down on me so hard that I got blessed with the life I got blessed with. Sure, things weren’t always easy, but the things most worth having never were.

  “I wanna have babies with you,” I tell him bluntly, watching his eyes get huge before he attempts to hide it. It’d been three days since he’d come and told me about the call he’d gotten at work that day and at the time, I was dead set against it. Now, seeing him with Lennon, I know in my heart of hearts that it would one hundred percent be worth it. Because what if this time was our time? What if by me saying no, I was saying no to our baby? That I was giving up our baby? I couldn’t fathom it.

  “Baby,” Kingsley sits up and takes my hands. He looks so hesitant, but his eyes are shining with hope.

  “No, King. I want it. I want it with you. Maybe it’s our time, ya know? Maybe this is it. I can’t say no to that. Can you?” I ask him honestly. I can see the doubt in his eye, and I hate that I put it there. I was sure though, surer than I’d been about anything, other than my love for him.

  “Are you sure?” He asks hopefully.

  “A hundred percent.” I smile encouragingly.

  “I’m going to call Kinzer.” He jumped from the couch and ran down the hall to his office; I’m assuming to grab the number. He comes back in, already dialing; I can’t help but laugh at his enthusiasm. He’d been so great with my refusal, I knew it hurt him, but he loved me that much. Loved me enough to sacrifice something he wanted so badly because he didn’t want me to get hurt again. Did I mention how lucky I was to have him?

  “Mr. Kinzer, this is Kingsley Kennedy.” He pauses for only a moment. “I’m fine to thank you, how are you?” He pauses again. “Yes sir, I was wondering if the opportunity to meet the birth mother you called us about was still open?” He asks, and he turns to me with a blinding smile. It’s only there for a split second before it falls.

  “Tomorrow morning?” He blurts looking panicked. Shit, tomorrow was soon! Too soon! I nod anyway. Tomorrow, we could do tomorrow,

  “Yeah, okay. Yeah, tomorrow is okay.” He tells the man on the phone and after a couple more seconds of back and forth, “yes and okay’s” he ends the call.

  “We’re meeting with the birth mother tomorrow.” He says, looking every bit of frayed as I feel.

  “Holy shit,” I whisper, our eyes locked together and Kingsley shuffles from foot to foot, running a restless hand through his hair and beard, looking nervous.

  “Ho Shit!” Lennon repeats, and I facepalm myself right out of my panic.

  “Little lady, that’s a bad word,” Kingsley tells her unable to stop his snicker.

  “Hooooo Shit!” She yells a little louder this time, looking every bit as ornery as she seems. Kingsley can’t hold back his laugh, and I nudge him with my elbow to shut it. The more he giggles, the more she says it. We’re going to have to work on that.

  Lying in bed with my husband, hours after Lennon’s daddies picked her up, I’m unable to shut my brain off to sleep.

  “What if she doesn’t like us?” I whisper in the dark.

  “What’s not to like?” He whispers back, rolling me onto my back to look down at me.

  “You have tattoos. I’m an artist. She could pick a doctor dad or a lawyer mom.” I think out loud.

  “A doctor dad and a lawyer mom would never be home to raise a child. A tattooed dad and an artist dad would be the best, don’t you think?” He asks me. I’d never thought of it that way.

  “I think you’d make the best dad.” I stroke his face as he watches me.

  “I think you’ll be the best dad, too. Nobody loves like you do, baby. I happen to know that for a fact.” He presses his smiling lips to mine and kisses me so sweetly.

  “No matter what happens though, we’ll be okay.” He tells me, and at that moment, I believe him with all my heart. We slept off and on, both of us dozing off and then jumping awake, looking at the clock, too anxious to stay asleep. I feel like a kid at Christmas waiting for Santa.

  The alarm blaring on the bedside table, next to my head has me jumping awake. I turn my head and look at my husband who is now wide awake and smiling.

  “I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m so fucking excited.” He says to me; I don’t want to tell him that I feel the exact same way, just in case it doesn’t work out. I don’t want to get my hopes up yet, but I fear it’s too late.

  “We should get up and get ready,” I suggest, but Kingsley’s already bouncing up and pulling me with him. We shower together, though it’s a rushed one and either of us can wipe the smiles off our faces, even though we know it’s foolish to have hope this early. This is just our first interview; I silently scolded myself while getting ready.

  We bring our coffee with Kingsley and us insists on driving anywhere we go, so we hop into his truck and head to the office of Murphy Kinzer. We’d been here a few times before, though the office was our old adoption agent, Sarah. She was great, but we knew that she was moving when her husband got stationed in Germany a few months ago. Social workers and adoption agents tended to stick around really, so we became fast friends with her and her husband, Joe…We all still text every couple weeks just to say “hi” and see how everyone is. No doubt, I’d need to text and tell her about this, but I wanted to get through the interview first.

  Walking into the office, I could remember the last time we were here, and I felt a punch to the chest. We’d been so hopeful and happy, then too.

  “You must be the Kennedy’s.” A very good looking man greeted us when we walked through the doors. The office was empty, though I saw a purse sitting on the floor of the waiting area, beside a row of seats.

  “We are,” Kingsley answered as we both came forward and shook his hand. He had dirty blonde hair, sticking up in every direction. He was tall and lean, a little on the skinny side but he worked the look. He was wearing a white button-up shirt and a blue tie with a pair of blue dress pants and regular black shoes. T
ypical office attire, if I was honest. His baby face set him apart though; I wondered briefly how old he could’ve been. He didn’t look a day over twenty.

  “Come on into my office; Haley will be right with us, but she’s in the restroom at the moment.” He tells us, opening a folder and placing it in front of him as he sits. He looks at us with a smile, and it’s very calming. He looks happy and excited, and it’s hard to not feel those things too with his outward optimism. “I’ve got to apologize for not being one hundred percent caught up on things; there are a few things we need to go over before all this begins.” He tells us, looking a bit contrite, but no less excited. Before any of us can say anything else though, a tattooed, blue-haired young woman barrels in, swinging the door wide enough to crack off the wall.

  “Whoops.” She pops her gum and waddles into the room.

  “Haley Sanders, come on in.” Murphy chuckles at her entrance. “This is Kingsley and his husband Morgan, whom I’m sure you recognize from the pictures.”

  “Yeah. Cool ink.” She tips her head to Kingsley, and I watch his mouth open and close for a full ten seconds before I stand and shake her hand. Kingsley jumps up and does the same.

  “I was just telling these guys that I wasn’t completely caught up and there were some things to go over before we jump in here.” He tells Haley, and she grins at us.

  “Do what ya do, Murph.” She waves her hand between us and leans back on the couch. Hands are covering her large, protruding belly.

  “Well, first I want to apologize for reaching out, I became aware after we spoke that you’d put the brakes on the process for the time being. I didn’t have that in my notes when I received your names.” He told us, looking at us seriously. “I don’t want to make this process any more painful than it has already been for you.”

  “No, we’re glad you called. Really.” I tell him honestly. It may have taken me a couple of days to warm up to the idea, but I was beyond ready, now. I’d just needed the push.

  “Okay, well, first things first.” He starts to say but is cut off by the young woman to our left.

  “Wait. First, I have a question.” She looks at us skeptically. “You guys are gay, right?” We both kind of jolt in surprise, because….well….duh. She’d read our packet, and we’d been introduced as husbands. All that screams gay, doesn’t it?

  “We are. We’ve been married for almost six years now.” Kingsley answers her hesitantly.

  “Okay, because…well, I know it’s stupid… but, I was raped.” She says bluntly, throwing both of us off guard and changing the entire mood of the room. Kingsley grabs my hand and squeezes but neither of us take our eyes from the girl. “I got pregnant because I was raped. I’m a lesbian. I don’t even like dick, but you… you’re a huge guy. I figure if anyone could protect somebody it would be you. I saw your picture, and I know it’s wrong to judge someone based on a picture, but all I saw was “protector.” She air-quoted but kept on. “You wouldn’t let anything happen to a baby, would you? And your husband, he’s a small guy, but he wouldn’t be with you if you were dangerous, he has that teacher vibe about him. Like he’d be a good teacher. A teacher and a protector, that’s what these babies need.” She told us fervently. There was a lot to go over there; I couldn’t imagine what she’d been through, getting pregnant from someone who’d assaulted her. She was a strong person, even if she didn’t know it. Some, probably a lot of people would choose to terminate a pregnancy the second they found out they were pregnant by their abuser. I wanted to tell her that and wondered if it would offend her.

  “I’m sorry. Did you say, babies?” My husband said from beside me. I didn’t hear that part; I’d been stuck on the rape and lesbian part. Babies? As in more than one? How did I miss that?

  Kingsley

  “That’s the other thing we need to go over,” Murphy said, finally piping up after letting the pregnant woman have the floor. She did say, babies, right? As in, plural? I look over to Morgan, but his mouth is hanging open, and as far as I can tell, he’s not breathing. I squeeze his hand and pull it into my lap.

  “Oh yeah, I’m having twins!” The girl- Haley says enthusiastically. If I were standing up, I would’ve fallen over.

  “Twins.” Morgan breaths from beside me. Thankfully he’s seemed to start breathing again,

  “I’m sorry. Twins? Like, as in two babies? Not one, but two; those kinds of twins?” I ask, stupidly.

  “Dude, I think we broke them.” Haley giggles but stops abruptly. “Gotta pee.” She struggles to get up, but makes it before anyone can get up to help her; then waddles out the door that she so graciously slammed open and headed for the bathroom.

  “She’s pregnant with twins?” Morgan asks the room.

  “Yes. Is that going to be a problem?” Murphy whispers worriedly to the both of us. I look to Morgan, but he’s slumped in his chair, not looking at anyone.

  “Baby,” I call for his attention, and when he gives it to me, his face is troubled. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “I’m thinking she just said she’s pregnant with twins, Kingsley. What the fuck do we know about raising twins? That’s two of everything; I only have two hands. How will I handle that when you’re at work? Can we raise twins? One was going to be hard, I know that, but two?” He’s bordering on panic.

  “Baby, we don’t have to decide right this second,” I tell him.

  “You do, though! You’re who I picked.” The young girl comes stalking back into the room with a paper towel in her hands, drying her arms. “You’re who I picked because you’re strong and you can protect them! I’m only eighteen, dude. I got myself knocked up by my mother’s boyfriend who by the way, has been coming into my room for a lot longer than I’ve been eighteen. After these babies are born, my girlfriend and I are leaving this shit hole and moving to the beach. I can’t take babies, cross country to live on the beach! They deserve a better life than I had. They deserve better than I can give them, except you! I can give them you guys!” She’s openly crying and once again, Morgan and I are frozen on the spot. “I read your file; I don’t even know how many times. I could recite it to you though. I lie awake at night in my small ass bad and tell these babies about both of you.” She plops down on the couch, but stays on the edge, closer to us. “I tell my girl that she’s going to have daddies that wouldn’t let anybody close enough to hurt her. I tell her she’s going to have daddies that will teach her to enjoy the pretty things in life, like rainbows and butterflies or pretty, pretty, paintings. I tell her about her daddies that will teach her how to take down a man who ever thinks of fucking with her.” She’s hasn’t stopped crying, and I hear Morgan take a deep, broken breath. I can’t take my eyes off the fierceness of this girl.

  “I tell my boy over here about his daddies that will teach him to protect his sister. I tell him about his daddies that will teach him to play baseball and ride dirt bikes. I tell him about his daddies that will teach him the importance of family because I know that they have a big one. I tell him that he’ll never go to sleep hungry or scared and maybe if he even asks enough, they’ll one day get him a puppy. We dreamed about you guys, my babies and me, and I could tell from that four-page packet that you are the daddies for them. Even if I didn’t read your life stories in that booklet and know that you’d be the best thing for them, just meeting you now….seeing you here together, I know that those daddies are you.” She wiped her face furiously, clearing the tears and Morgan leaped from his chair and grabbed her. They sat sobbing together, rocking back and forth and I looked to Murphy, who looked to be tearing up as well. He blinked the wetness away and cleared his throat before he spoke.

  “Do you have any questions?” He asks, huskily. I look to Morgan who only shakes his head while still rocking the tearful Haley.

  “A girl and a boy?” I ask, looking at Murphy, but then glancing at Haley. She smiles wide through her tears and nods.

  “Yeah, one’s a girl, and one’s a boy. I have pictures.” She says, pu
lling just slightly away from Morgan to reach her purse. She digs through it for only a moment before pulling out three long lines of sonogram photos.

  “Holy shit!” Morgan whispers, looking at each one individually while Haley points out which is which.

  “Baby, come look,” Morgan says without looking at me. I get up and move to the couch, pulling Morgan up so I can sit next to Haley and then pull him down on my lap. He moves slowly, picture after picture and she points to little fingers and little toes. She shows me the “turtle” that indicates the boy and the little “clam” that indicates the girl. It’s terrible terminology, but I guess it’s what they told her when she had the scan done and found out.

  “I’m really sorry I had an outburst like that,” She looked away, embarrassed. “I guess I just had you guys all picked out and everything; I never dreamed you’d say no. Plus, ya know…hormones and all that.”

  “We’re not saying no,” Morgan tells her immediately. “We’re not saying no, are we, King?” He looks at me hopefully. The woman gave a pretty damn good speech, and I wanted to agree with everything she’d told these babies, lying in her bed at night, mapping their futures. I already didn’t want to say no, but looking at my husband’s hopeful eyes and hearing the excitement in his voice, I knew I couldn’t.

  “No, baby, we’re not saying no,” I whisper to him, and his head falls to his chest. He takes a deep breath and grabs Haley’s hand before looking over at Murphy.

  “Now what?” He smiles and the rest of the evening is signing papers and calling our lawyer. We were about to become daddies, once again. I only prayed that nothing happened to fall through this time because every part of the picture that this girl had painted for us; we wanted so bad.